It is currently 10:13 pm. on April 19th, RaeLynn is sleeping and I’m laying in bed lost in my thoughts. Does anyone else get like this?
Earlier today I looked in the mirror and noticed I had gained some weight. A lot of weight actually. I’m really embarrassed about how my body looks, my insecurities have always been horrid. I gained so much weight being pregnant my body never “snapped” back to the way it was. Now I look like a kangaroo with a huge pouch. I don’t want to be the image of the person I am anymore.
I’ve tried dieting and failed several times. No matter what I never end up sticking to it, but I need a change. Not only for myself but for my daughter. I don’t want to be the “fat” mom who can’t play with her kids. I want to be able to run and playing with them without getting out of breath within the first 30 seconds. I was watching my 600 pound life and a women couldn’t even play with her kids because she weighed 900 pounds, and all she could do was lay in a bed.
I got to thinking oh my lord than can be me! I can turn into that. I don’t want to be like that. I want to be able to take RaeLynn on hikes, and go to walking trails. Do all this fun stuff without getting tired so easy and quickly. I want her to be able to look up at me and be proud of me for making this change. I also want to become more secure with myself, and the way my body is. I have horrible stretch marks from being pregnant, I know they will never go away but I feel like if I just lost some weight I could learn to deal with them.
When you have been put down about your weight, and body shamed a lot of your life you begin to believe everything people say to you. I know I shared some of this in my post “The Struggle” but I wanted to share a little bit more of my struggle with y’all. So if you read that post you know I had gotten pregnant at 17 years old. I had her at 18. I gained 90 pounds while being pregnant. Most of my weight gain was water, because I was constantly drinking ice water.
(This is the last picture i took before i gave birth)
The day I gave birth I was 290 pounds. I lost 30 or so pounds within the first month of having her, but that’s all I lost. The insecurities were real. I suffered really bad post partum which only made my self-image issues worse. The first boyfriend I had after I had RaeLynn put me down several times on a daily basis. He called me fat and ugly. He watched everything I ate and how much I ate. He call me a fat stretch mark (bleep) , and several other vulgar names.
I started dating a lot of the wrong guys. Guys who just wanted to have sex, even though I never gave in. That’s all they ever wanted and when I would never do it, I would never hear from. I have been lied to, used, and cheated on in every relationship I have ever been in. I never felt like I was going to find someone who would love me for me. I thought I would only find love if I was skinny. I have always put on a front of me being super confident with who I am. Deep down inside I know everyone is like “Look at that fat girl” and judging every inch of me.
This is the first time I have ever really shared this with anyone, and it feels good to share it with you guys. I want to start loosing weight and eating right. Not to get a man, but to become a healthier version of myself. I want to get into shape and actually feel secure with myself. Actually be confident instead of putting on a persona. I’m going to post two pictures of me and my starting weight. I know they are ugly, and hideous, and disgusting, but I want to be real with you guys. That way you can follow me on my weight loss journey.
I know its hard to look at these, but hopefully I can make the change to become a healthier, better me. I’m not only doing this for me but for my daughter. So I can be a healthier, better momma just for her!
I would love to hear your guy’s stories if you have any! What worked for you? What did not work for you? Exercise tips? Eating tips? Dieting tips and tricks! Anything! I would love to support anyone who is battling with weight issues like me. We can support each other on this journey together.
Lets spread some body positivity and love each other.